My Reality Is…Tool
The Honoring of Differences
A Vital Tool for Strengthening Relationships…

The great Middle Eastern poet Rumi says, “All wars and conflict are caused by not honoring the other person’s reality.” We teach how to honor one another’s point of view. Most of us have accumulated decades of beliefs of just how things are and should be. Our belief systems shape the very fabric of our lives. This set of beliefs may be delicate, or hard core.
I learned high school History in three different German speaking countries. At first I naively told my Swiss teacher what my German teacher had to say about history, and my Austrian teacher what my Swiss teacher had to say: I got a D every time. I decided to give the Swiss teacher what he said, the Austrian teacher what he said, and the German teacher what he said. To this day, I don not know history, just each countries point of view. This insight regarding history as points of view helped me to better understand my parents divorce.
Each would tell me a different negative story about the other. It often made me sad. Going to school in Switzerland changed that, I just thought “that’s Dad’s history, and that’s mom’s history, their different.”
My school experiences helped me to deal with the conflicts between my parents. I began to view them as having experienced history from different points of view and instead of insisting they stop, and becoming upset, I moved to the place of simply accepting their reality as their point of view. I was therein relieved of the classic curse in which children of divorce are told different stories by both parents, and often are expected to take sides of one parent over the other. These children often become conflicted and confused. This identity confusion often results in low self esteem.
One of the most important things we work on is conflict resolution. Our approach uses many tools, but perhaps the most important is the ‘MY REALITY IS…’ TOOL. It’s important to note the experts tell us it’s not the number of conflicts in a relationship that count, but how we handle them. The ‘My Reality’ tool allows us to be successful in the art of conflict.
One of the cornerstones of our work at the Stepfamily Foundation is that of honoring differences: our My Reality Is Tool….Here’s how I work; I relate my multiple points of view history story, and then I proceed to draw two boxes—one with a big A and the other with a big B. I explain that especially in America, it is acceptable to try to pull one the other into your point of view. “You’re wrong, this is the way it is…”

What we do is eliminate the word YOU, and substitute the word “I”. I see, hear, and feel… my reality is… e.g. I don’t feel important when your children arrive (hers). My reality is Mary did say hello to you (his). And, we might just leave it at that.
It’s important to know that each of us is programmed differently, and that difference often becomes more diverse and solidified as we grow into maturity. A thinks we had to go to Vietnam, while B thinks we never should have been there. A feels offended because B was late, and B feels misunderstood. A blames B for not noticing a mistake in the report, while B blames A for having a lousy attitude. Each tries to pull the other into their dis-reality. Each argues their point of view. Some arguments can go on for days, even years.
By not allowing the couple to argue about what happened, we teach them how to respect the other partner’s point of view. Only God knows what really happened, and she’s not talking! Our job is to create one new system based on reconciling the differences both bring to the partnership. This to me is the epitome of marital therapy. It does not individuate, rather it creates a new team and a new joint way of doing things based on respecting each other and each others points of view. This is one of the tools use in the process of good mediation. We use this with individual as well as corporate dispute resolution.
According to William Doherty PHD, “much of marital therapy is based on the individual and what is good for that individual; as opposed to making a partnership function.” According to research, most marital therapists have a 2 out of 3 failure rate. Our research indicates we have an 84% success rate. We believe that our emphasis on the teaching of respecting each others reality, or view of living is a substantial factor in our high success rate. The belief of most therapists is that the answer is in the client, and the client can be worked with to find the answer within them. We believe this is not true; especially in step relationships.
Regarding our high success rate, it is important to note our counseling is highly directive. We discourage clients from blaming, and encourage them explain to their partner that this is just their point of view. We encourage a dialogue, sometimes without resolution. When the issue must be decided and the parties cannot resolve it, I tell them that I will make the decision for them. Therefore we go from mediating to arbitration. And, I tell them this is how I work.