BOY SHOOTS STEPMOTHER TO BE

BOY SHOOTS STEPMOTHER TO BE
The Mother of Two Children
By Jeannette Lofas, PhD., LCSW

Pregnant stepmother. Kenzie Houk, 26, was shot dead by her 11-year old stepson to be. Father Chris Brown told police, "The boy was jealous. We were getting married." The boy's name is being withheld by police.

WHY?
This angry 11 year old acted out what so many children feel when a parent remarries. Most often kids are not happy, many are in a state of fear, or even trauma.
There are many negatives for the child in a new marriage of a parent. For example: the loss of that parent's time and attention, the feelings of a grievous loss in the child's position in that parent's life, the absolute loss of hope that his two “real “parents will ever get back together, the chance that this parent will be as loving with the step person's children as with him, or have a new baby that may replace him…and much more.

Taking it to its extreme, as in this case, is shocking. However, we must remember that the child often fears for his life as he knew it. The step person threatens that way of being.

What we see here are the natural reactions, dynamics and behaviors that are just built in to a blended/stepfamily. Every member of the stepfamily has their specific set of dynamics and behaviors. For example, the stepmother may begin with caring and the turn cruel, the child naturally rejects the step person, the biological parents less and often over indulges and much more.

If we don’t expect these dynamics the surprise will cause serious negative behaviors.

Think of the fairy tales the “cruel stepmother” and the “wicked stepchild.”
The fairy tales tell us truths we are all reluctant to see and that which we deny could be in our family.

Few children are happy at the thought of a new stepmother or stepfather. Most act out their feelings with ugly actions toward the “intruding” step person, which can go on over years.

With this case we see an 11 year old boy familiar with guns, take out his disastrous wrath and fear that few would dare to imagine.

Many stepchildren show their feelings, often for decades, with nasty, ignoring, put-downs over the time of the remarriage. This torture continues until the step person goes from caring to cruel; the result being that 2 out of 3 remarriages with children involved end in break up.

The problem is repeated and repeated in our society of divorce. Shooting the step person is extraordinary. But it just might happen more often if no one saw or knew and the fact could be hidden from the world.

WHAT TO DO?

Perhaps, this little 11- year old is a wake up call for our denial of the real dynamics of stepfamily grief for many children. No one should go into a step relationship without the assistance of a Certified Stepfamily Foundation Counselor. In this case the boy’s anger may have been seen by and experienced Counselor and the couple could have lessened their contact, especially in front of the 11-year old. Then the painstaking work of integrating, creating a functioning, managed stepfamily could be worked out; or a decision to delay or detach would be put into place.

The Stepfamily Foundation manages the new family system as though it were a new team, new rules, roles and responsibilities. In this management system we assign predictable times to couple, parent and child, the stepfamily as a whole etc. This so no one feels left out. We need to take another hard look at what divorce and our changes in the family is doing to our kids. More American families are now some for of stepfamily. Experts relate more than half of the children are depressed. Anger and acting out is the other side of depression.


ABOUT: The Stepfamily Foundation, Inc is a on for profit founded in l976.
It is the first organization to address the blended/stepfamily from all points of view. We have developed a management technique that allows 84 % of remarried families to create couple agreed upon expectations and a successful blended family. On our website www.stepfamily.org we provide books, DVDs, CD's and Manuals for Group Leaders.

ABOUT: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW, Lofas is a child of divorce, a stepchild and lives in a stepfamily. She has written five books, won a Presidential Award, coached and counseled couples and families for over thirty years. Research relates an 84% success rate. She now coaches mainly on the telephone worldwide. She regularly conducts the Stepfamily Certification Seminars and lectures in New York and in cites throughout the world.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION
call us at (212) 877 3244
www.stepfamily.org

Dr. Phil on Discipline in the Blended Family; Dr. Lofas disputes…

So, I was watching Dr. Phil on Tuesday, February 10^th and he had a blended family on his show. We saw a great deal of conflict between the couple regarding the behavior of the adolescent children.

What has come to my attention is that Dr. Phil [and other therapists] consistently recommends that only biological parent discipline each of their separate children. In this case, the stepparent has no place in the guidance of ALL the children.

We find that this advice misses the mark. In our 30 years of experience, after writing 5 books about this, and working with tens of thousands of clients, we have discovered that when both parents are present each of them can tend to their own children; but, what does one parent do when the other parent is not there? That question is left unaddressed by Dr. Phil.

Our success lies in our structural, managerial and team building techniques. Our research and experience shows that a blended/stepfamily survives best when the couple comes together decides on HOUSE RULES, writes them down, agrees on these rules, and has a meeting with all the children. Thus ensuring that everyone in the household knows what the expectations are.

Dr. Phil’s advice of each parent disciplining their own more often than not, leads in confusion, chaos and lack of strong leadership. If we do not build a team that functions with rules, roles and responsibilities we do not build a blended family, but rather two, often chaotic, stepfamilies under one roof.

Below are 10 steps to success in the blended/step family…

10 Steps for a Success

By: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW

1. Recognize that the dynamics of blended/step family are crucially different from the biological family. A step/blended family can not and will not function as does a biologically connected family.

2. Decide to work on building Couple Strength. The strength of the family lies in how well the couple communicates. Couple strength is achieved by recognizing each other differences in points of view regarding such issues as: discipline, manners, life styles, rituals, duties and responsibilities. Couple strength means honoring the differences and working through agreed upon rules and forms.

3. Establish concrete house rules and structure. Remember, we come from different ways of living and seldom agree on the new structure needed in our blended/step family. Rules need to be written in a positive tone. The couple must decide on the rules. For example: “In this household we hang up our towels; so those towels belong on the rack.” After the couple has agreed on the rules, they call a family meeting.

4. Discipline comes directly from the biological parent. The step parent however, reinforces the discipline by saying: “As you know, your Father/Mother and I have decided that, “in this house we…”

5. Prepare yourselves for the pulls of conflicting loyalties. Who comes first? My son calls me and my wife calls me, who do I answer first? The senior person always comes first.

6. Keep from bad-mouthing the prior spouse. When we bad-mouth and put down the other parent of our children, we are bad-mouthing and disparaging half of that child’s identity. Many divorced parents today realize that bad-mouthing their ex lowers the self-esteem of their child.

7. Choosing to be an effective parent and stepparent allows more room for romance. Lack of agreement creates chaos and destroys intimacy. The children do not dominate the family. The parents are the heads of household.

8. The couple comes first (after you are married). A strong, loving couple relationship sets the cornerstone of a child’s self-esteem.

9. Ask for counseling from a professional. Most blended/step families need coaching. This is a whole new world, a new paradigm. It is ok to have discussions. Agree to agree. Agree to disagree; and work it out. Remember you are partners in creating the stepfamily. Therefore, it is of great benefit to the family to seek advice from a trained step family counselor.

10. Guard your sense of humor!