BOY SHOOTS STEPMOTHER TO BE

BOY SHOOTS STEPMOTHER TO BE
The Mother of Two Children
By Jeannette Lofas, PhD., LCSW

Pregnant stepmother. Kenzie Houk, 26, was shot dead by her 11-year old stepson to be. Father Chris Brown told police, "The boy was jealous. We were getting married." The boy's name is being withheld by police.

WHY?
This angry 11 year old acted out what so many children feel when a parent remarries. Most often kids are not happy, many are in a state of fear, or even trauma.
There are many negatives for the child in a new marriage of a parent. For example: the loss of that parent's time and attention, the feelings of a grievous loss in the child's position in that parent's life, the absolute loss of hope that his two “real “parents will ever get back together, the chance that this parent will be as loving with the step person's children as with him, or have a new baby that may replace him…and much more.

Taking it to its extreme, as in this case, is shocking. However, we must remember that the child often fears for his life as he knew it. The step person threatens that way of being.

What we see here are the natural reactions, dynamics and behaviors that are just built in to a blended/stepfamily. Every member of the stepfamily has their specific set of dynamics and behaviors. For example, the stepmother may begin with caring and the turn cruel, the child naturally rejects the step person, the biological parents less and often over indulges and much more.

If we don’t expect these dynamics the surprise will cause serious negative behaviors.

Think of the fairy tales the “cruel stepmother” and the “wicked stepchild.”
The fairy tales tell us truths we are all reluctant to see and that which we deny could be in our family.

Few children are happy at the thought of a new stepmother or stepfather. Most act out their feelings with ugly actions toward the “intruding” step person, which can go on over years.

With this case we see an 11 year old boy familiar with guns, take out his disastrous wrath and fear that few would dare to imagine.

Many stepchildren show their feelings, often for decades, with nasty, ignoring, put-downs over the time of the remarriage. This torture continues until the step person goes from caring to cruel; the result being that 2 out of 3 remarriages with children involved end in break up.

The problem is repeated and repeated in our society of divorce. Shooting the step person is extraordinary. But it just might happen more often if no one saw or knew and the fact could be hidden from the world.

WHAT TO DO?

Perhaps, this little 11- year old is a wake up call for our denial of the real dynamics of stepfamily grief for many children. No one should go into a step relationship without the assistance of a Certified Stepfamily Foundation Counselor. In this case the boy’s anger may have been seen by and experienced Counselor and the couple could have lessened their contact, especially in front of the 11-year old. Then the painstaking work of integrating, creating a functioning, managed stepfamily could be worked out; or a decision to delay or detach would be put into place.

The Stepfamily Foundation manages the new family system as though it were a new team, new rules, roles and responsibilities. In this management system we assign predictable times to couple, parent and child, the stepfamily as a whole etc. This so no one feels left out. We need to take another hard look at what divorce and our changes in the family is doing to our kids. More American families are now some for of stepfamily. Experts relate more than half of the children are depressed. Anger and acting out is the other side of depression.


ABOUT: The Stepfamily Foundation, Inc is a on for profit founded in l976.
It is the first organization to address the blended/stepfamily from all points of view. We have developed a management technique that allows 84 % of remarried families to create couple agreed upon expectations and a successful blended family. On our website www.stepfamily.org we provide books, DVDs, CD's and Manuals for Group Leaders.

ABOUT: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW, Lofas is a child of divorce, a stepchild and lives in a stepfamily. She has written five books, won a Presidential Award, coached and counseled couples and families for over thirty years. Research relates an 84% success rate. She now coaches mainly on the telephone worldwide. She regularly conducts the Stepfamily Certification Seminars and lectures in New York and in cites throughout the world.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION
call us at (212) 877 3244
www.stepfamily.org