So, I was watching Dr. Phil on Tuesday, February 10th and he had a blended family on his show. We saw a great deal of conflict between the couple regarding the behavior of the adolescent children.
What has come to my attention is that Dr. Phil [and other therapists] consistently recommends that only biological parent discipline each of their separate children. In this case, the stepparent has no place in the guidance of ALL the children.
We find that this advice misses the mark. In our 30 years of experience, after writing 5 books about this, and working with tens of thousands of clients, we have discovered that when both parents are present each of them can tend to their own children; but, what does one parent do when the other parent is not there? That question is left unaddressed by Dr. Phil.
Our success lies in our structural, managerial and team building techniques. Our research and experience shows that a blended/stepfamily survives best when the couple comes together decides on HOUSE RULES, writes them down, agrees on these rules, and has a meeting with all the children. Thus ensuring that everyone in the household knows what the expectations are.
Dr. Phil’s advice of each parent disciplining their own more often than not, leads in confusion, chaos and lack of strong leadership. If we do not build a team that functions with rules, roles and responsibilities we do not build a blended family, but rather two, often chaotic, stepfamilies under one roof.
Below are 10 steps to success in the blended/step family…
10 Steps for a Success
By: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW
1. Recognize that the dynamics of blended/step family are crucially different from the biological family. A step/blended family can not and will not function as does a biologically connected family.
2. Decide to work on building Couple Strength. The strength of the family lies in how well the couple communicates. Couple strength is achieved by recognizing each other differences in points of view regarding such issues as: discipline, manners, life styles, rituals, duties and responsibilities. Couple strength means honoring the differences and working through agreed upon rules and forms.
3. Establish concrete house rules and structure. Remember, we come from different ways of living and seldom agree on the new structure needed in our blended/step family. Rules need to be written in a positive tone. The couple must decide on the rules. For example: “In this household we hang up our towels; so those towels belong on the rack.” After the couple has agreed on the rules, they call a family meeting.
4. Discipline comes directly from the biological parent. The step parent however, reinforces the discipline by saying: “As you know, your Father/Mother and I have decided that, “in this house we…”
5. Prepare yourselves for the pulls of conflicting loyalties. Who comes first? My son calls me and my wife calls me, who do I answer first? The senior person always comes first.
6. Keep from bad-mouthing the prior spouse. When we bad-mouth and put down the other parent of our children, we are bad-mouthing and disparaging half of that child’s identity. Many divorced parents today realize that bad-mouthing their ex lowers the self-esteem of their child.
7. Choosing to be an effective parent and stepparent allows more room for romance. Lack of agreement creates chaos and destroys intimacy. The children do not dominate the family. The parents are the heads of household.
8. The couple comes first (after you are married). A strong, loving couple relationship sets the cornerstone of a child’s self-esteem.
9. Ask for counseling from a professional. Most blended/step families need coaching. This is a whole new world, a new paradigm. It is ok to have discussions. Agree to agree. Agree to disagree; and work it out. Remember you are partners in creating the stepfamily. Therefore, it is of great benefit to the family to seek advice from a trained step family counselor.
10. Guard your sense of humor!
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