10 Steps for Fathers Who Divorce

By Jeannette Lofas, Ph. D

Step 1: Accept that Guilt Is a Prime Mover in Your Actions. Most men feel guilty because they lost their family and their power as father to that family. You may also feel guilty if you believe the mother of your children is not doing an adequate job of parenting.

Step 2: Make the Most Of Your Visitation. The rules of visitation need to be set precisely and specifically. Children need predictability.

Step 3: The Children at Your House Live by the Rules of Your House. Your children need to become part of your household, not just guests in your home. Appropriate behavior and acceptable manners must be decided upon by the couple. Chores must be assigned; making beds, helping with meals, keeping the bathroom clean, etc. Structure equals love. Chaos and unpredictability creates low self-esteem in a child.

Step 4: Don't Be a Wimp Father. Most men (even the strongest and most powerful) wimp out and turn into ninety-pound weaklings when their children visit. They endeavor to be "buddies" to their child. We so often hear fathers saying, "I see them so little; I don't want to waste time being their disciplinarian." Remember, discipline means guidance.

Step 5: Create High Self-Esteem in Your Children. This is done by creating predictable expectations for your children when they come to your house. Predictable rules and regulations will make your children feel safe and secure.

Step 6: Money Is Always a Problem, No Matter How Much There Is. It is often best when children visit to give them a specific allowance for the time they will be with you. In return for the money the child receives, he/she is expected to be a good citizen of the household, do chores, and then use the money as he or she sees fit. If a child needs extra money, we advocate "extra pay for extra jobs."

Step 7: Build and Maintain Couple Strength. Work together with your partner. Discussion is okay, but arguments are not. Be respectful of her reality as well as your own regarding the assignment of chores. Work this out between you, or seek the help of a Stepfamily Foundation counselor. The couple is the pillar that hold the family together: She is the female head of the household; he is the male head of the household.

Step 8: The Couple Decides the Rules of Discipline. The couple decides the Rules of the House: chores and manners. The biological parent disciplines the child whenever possible. When necessary the stepparent says, "In this house we . . ." in order to avoid the "You're not my mother; you can't tell me what to do" syndrome.

Step 9: Creating a Structure Is Vital for the Children. This requires extending the Rules of the House to all events. This structure makes it easy for kids to know what to do at your house. It doesn't matter that the rules are different than Mom's. Creating a structure means creating high self-esteem. Children like themselves better when they know that they have done a good job and are part of a team.

Step 10: Remember that You Are the Father and the Male Head of the Household. Men teach children the ways of the still dominant, male hierarchical business structure.

“IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD”

The Untold Tragedy of Divorce for Children

By Jeannette Lofas

If you asked me “what was the most important event in your life,” what first comes to mind is my father leaving the house on Christmas Eve. I was 10 1/2. Presidential awards and honors have not affected me as much as the moment I knew my father was never coming back. My mother shriveled into a heap of depression. I was held her up. At that moment I became an orphan without a father or mother. Or so it felt to me and many other children whose parents divorce.

The divorce culture affects us all. Only some parents have skillfully handled working through divorce with their children. Today is no different. Parents just do NOT know. Few parents want to make their children casualties of divorce yet experts tell us over half of those remained wounded for a lifetime. This is not to say they do not achieve success, but all around emotional and spiritual success are missing elements.

Most of us can’t put a name to our sadness or a reason for our hyperactivity or listlessness... It’s a nameless heavy heart, a fear of abandonment a need to control and more that we carry in the back of our brains for the rest of our lives.

What have parents who divorce out of their own sorrow forgotten to do?
1. Tell the children properly.
2. Continue to parent post divorce.
3. Continue a positive working relationship with the other parent…for the emotional well being of the child.
Let me simply count some of the ways.
1. They badmouth each other.
2. They neglect to co-parent.
3. They place a “good time” and giving “things” ahead of guiding and parenting their
children.
4. They permit kids to dominate their households.
5. In the short time they see parents, kids are not to heed them, but are taught to expect from them.

Each week 1,000 children loose their family; the union of their mother and father in one home. Parents, experts on divorce, and family therapists neglect to suggest a substantial methodology to use to tell the children.

The loss goes to the non-thinking, reactive part of the brain. The part of our brain which causes us to jump away before we think, that part which over rides all thought and causes us to jump in the pool to save the fallen child.
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Call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder --- fear of an out of place reaction when we cannot process with our thinking mind that what happened. So we grab on to things, or people we can hold on to and will not leave us feeling alone, all the while feeling not good enough to sustain a relationship because no one ever taught us how. Not knowing that we don’t know, not knowing how to get what we want. To feel OK about our selves, we work, do things and buy things to control.

People are unimportant, yet unconsciously they are most important to make us feel self esteem, but we have lost the way there. No modeling of how to interact with others to create, solve conflicts and maintain.

WE MUST HAVE A BETTER WAY, NOT A BLAMING WAY OF TELLING KIDS ABOUT DIVORCE ---- for the sake of their future.

If one parent badmouths the other it destroys one half of the child. Do we want to do that?
No. But it is acceptable to bad mouth our ex spouses, to not talk to them, and to have parental visits with rancor between parents. How uncivil and cruel to the child,
just like the accepted process of talking to the child about divorce. Must we talk to them in an age appropriate manner? Yes; but we must speak to them mostly out of love for our children. They will always be OUR children. There are no ex parents!

From ME to WE

Corporate America, the work world, especially process of mergers and acquisitions is riddled with unresolved and often on going conflicts ---inter-personally and in the work situations. Rank has no relation to this steady enemy of success. It’s across the spectrum of corporate work, organizations and family.

It is a me-me, mine-mine notion of significance instead of a “we” and “our” mindset. The divorce rate and failure of job loyalty and job satisfaction statistics blast these issues loud and clear. To date few remedies have worked.

In our consulting practice of working with high conflict, (2 out 3 statistical failure rate families stepfamilies) we have developed conflict management and dramatically different resolution management tools. Experts believe these should have a larger out reach.

They entail Seven System Based Solutions.

They are strategically based on the work of the great Middle Eastern poet, Rumi,

“All wars and conflicts are cased by not honoring the other’s differences.”

We live in a litigious RIGHT/WRONG culture.

In marital relationships 60% of issues never get resolved. People just manage conflict well, and go on and work it out.

This hold true for work or in a relationship.

What kills marriages is not the lack of conflict, but how the conflict is resolved.

People ending to:

1. use anger
2. criticize
3. stone wall
4. And withdraw…in more than half of their transactions fail----at marriage fail to get the job done at work.

The Seven System Based Solutions utilize a concept called:

MY REALITY IS…..

1. Reality, truth, is akin to a nation’s history.

The same war is described and reasoned depending on the country you live in.

Growing up in the South you would think, feel, and see the Civil War differently that one would in the North.

2. Eliminate the word YOU you’re wrong, you did

3. Use I see, Hear, Feel…..my reality is…

4. Allow the other time to finish

5. Give equal air time

6. A decision not to decide is a decision, now

7. Show respect for differences….Indeed HONOR differences

Good relationships are based on respect. No respect to ability to resolve conflict. To arrive at success

LEFT OVERS in Relationships we may have A and B point of view. Often we must create one we both agree on a “C reality” and some time our “c reality is to agree to disagree.

BOY SHOOTS STEPMOTHER TO BE

BOY SHOOTS STEPMOTHER TO BE
The Mother of Two Children
By Jeannette Lofas, PhD., LCSW

Pregnant stepmother. Kenzie Houk, 26, was shot dead by her 11-year old stepson to be. Father Chris Brown told police, "The boy was jealous. We were getting married." The boy's name is being withheld by police.

WHY?
This angry 11 year old acted out what so many children feel when a parent remarries. Most often kids are not happy, many are in a state of fear, or even trauma.
There are many negatives for the child in a new marriage of a parent. For example: the loss of that parent's time and attention, the feelings of a grievous loss in the child's position in that parent's life, the absolute loss of hope that his two “real “parents will ever get back together, the chance that this parent will be as loving with the step person's children as with him, or have a new baby that may replace him…and much more.

Taking it to its extreme, as in this case, is shocking. However, we must remember that the child often fears for his life as he knew it. The step person threatens that way of being.

What we see here are the natural reactions, dynamics and behaviors that are just built in to a blended/stepfamily. Every member of the stepfamily has their specific set of dynamics and behaviors. For example, the stepmother may begin with caring and the turn cruel, the child naturally rejects the step person, the biological parents less and often over indulges and much more.

If we don’t expect these dynamics the surprise will cause serious negative behaviors.

Think of the fairy tales the “cruel stepmother” and the “wicked stepchild.”
The fairy tales tell us truths we are all reluctant to see and that which we deny could be in our family.

Few children are happy at the thought of a new stepmother or stepfather. Most act out their feelings with ugly actions toward the “intruding” step person, which can go on over years.

With this case we see an 11 year old boy familiar with guns, take out his disastrous wrath and fear that few would dare to imagine.

Many stepchildren show their feelings, often for decades, with nasty, ignoring, put-downs over the time of the remarriage. This torture continues until the step person goes from caring to cruel; the result being that 2 out of 3 remarriages with children involved end in break up.

The problem is repeated and repeated in our society of divorce. Shooting the step person is extraordinary. But it just might happen more often if no one saw or knew and the fact could be hidden from the world.

WHAT TO DO?

Perhaps, this little 11- year old is a wake up call for our denial of the real dynamics of stepfamily grief for many children. No one should go into a step relationship without the assistance of a Certified Stepfamily Foundation Counselor. In this case the boy’s anger may have been seen by and experienced Counselor and the couple could have lessened their contact, especially in front of the 11-year old. Then the painstaking work of integrating, creating a functioning, managed stepfamily could be worked out; or a decision to delay or detach would be put into place.

The Stepfamily Foundation manages the new family system as though it were a new team, new rules, roles and responsibilities. In this management system we assign predictable times to couple, parent and child, the stepfamily as a whole etc. This so no one feels left out. We need to take another hard look at what divorce and our changes in the family is doing to our kids. More American families are now some for of stepfamily. Experts relate more than half of the children are depressed. Anger and acting out is the other side of depression.


ABOUT: The Stepfamily Foundation, Inc is a on for profit founded in l976.
It is the first organization to address the blended/stepfamily from all points of view. We have developed a management technique that allows 84 % of remarried families to create couple agreed upon expectations and a successful blended family. On our website www.stepfamily.org we provide books, DVDs, CD's and Manuals for Group Leaders.

ABOUT: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW, Lofas is a child of divorce, a stepchild and lives in a stepfamily. She has written five books, won a Presidential Award, coached and counseled couples and families for over thirty years. Research relates an 84% success rate. She now coaches mainly on the telephone worldwide. She regularly conducts the Stepfamily Certification Seminars and lectures in New York and in cites throughout the world.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION
call us at (212) 877 3244
www.stepfamily.org

Dr. Phil on Discipline in the Blended Family; Dr. Lofas disputes…

So, I was watching Dr. Phil on Tuesday, February 10^th and he had a blended family on his show. We saw a great deal of conflict between the couple regarding the behavior of the adolescent children.

What has come to my attention is that Dr. Phil [and other therapists] consistently recommends that only biological parent discipline each of their separate children. In this case, the stepparent has no place in the guidance of ALL the children.

We find that this advice misses the mark. In our 30 years of experience, after writing 5 books about this, and working with tens of thousands of clients, we have discovered that when both parents are present each of them can tend to their own children; but, what does one parent do when the other parent is not there? That question is left unaddressed by Dr. Phil.

Our success lies in our structural, managerial and team building techniques. Our research and experience shows that a blended/stepfamily survives best when the couple comes together decides on HOUSE RULES, writes them down, agrees on these rules, and has a meeting with all the children. Thus ensuring that everyone in the household knows what the expectations are.

Dr. Phil’s advice of each parent disciplining their own more often than not, leads in confusion, chaos and lack of strong leadership. If we do not build a team that functions with rules, roles and responsibilities we do not build a blended family, but rather two, often chaotic, stepfamilies under one roof.

Below are 10 steps to success in the blended/step family…

10 Steps for a Success

By: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW

1. Recognize that the dynamics of blended/step family are crucially different from the biological family. A step/blended family can not and will not function as does a biologically connected family.

2. Decide to work on building Couple Strength. The strength of the family lies in how well the couple communicates. Couple strength is achieved by recognizing each other differences in points of view regarding such issues as: discipline, manners, life styles, rituals, duties and responsibilities. Couple strength means honoring the differences and working through agreed upon rules and forms.

3. Establish concrete house rules and structure. Remember, we come from different ways of living and seldom agree on the new structure needed in our blended/step family. Rules need to be written in a positive tone. The couple must decide on the rules. For example: “In this household we hang up our towels; so those towels belong on the rack.” After the couple has agreed on the rules, they call a family meeting.

4. Discipline comes directly from the biological parent. The step parent however, reinforces the discipline by saying: “As you know, your Father/Mother and I have decided that, “in this house we…”

5. Prepare yourselves for the pulls of conflicting loyalties. Who comes first? My son calls me and my wife calls me, who do I answer first? The senior person always comes first.

6. Keep from bad-mouthing the prior spouse. When we bad-mouth and put down the other parent of our children, we are bad-mouthing and disparaging half of that child’s identity. Many divorced parents today realize that bad-mouthing their ex lowers the self-esteem of their child.

7. Choosing to be an effective parent and stepparent allows more room for romance. Lack of agreement creates chaos and destroys intimacy. The children do not dominate the family. The parents are the heads of household.

8. The couple comes first (after you are married). A strong, loving couple relationship sets the cornerstone of a child’s self-esteem.

9. Ask for counseling from a professional. Most blended/step families need coaching. This is a whole new world, a new paradigm. It is ok to have discussions. Agree to agree. Agree to disagree; and work it out. Remember you are partners in creating the stepfamily. Therefore, it is of great benefit to the family to seek advice from a trained step family counselor.

10. Guard your sense of humor!

My Reality Is…Tool
The Honoring of Differences
A Vital Tool for Strengthening Relationships…

The great Middle Eastern poet Rumi says, “All wars and conflict are caused by not honoring the other person’s reality.” We teach how to honor one another’s point of view. Most of us have accumulated decades of beliefs of just how things are and should be. Our belief systems shape the very fabric of our lives. This set of beliefs may be delicate, or hard core.
I learned high school History in three different German speaking countries. At first I naively told my Swiss teacher what my German teacher had to say about history, and my Austrian teacher what my Swiss teacher had to say: I got a D every time. I decided to give the Swiss teacher what he said, the Austrian teacher what he said, and the German teacher what he said. To this day, I don not know history, just each countries point of view. This insight regarding history as points of view helped me to better understand my parents divorce.
Each would tell me a different negative story about the other. It often made me sad. Going to school in Switzerland changed that, I just thought “that’s Dad’s history, and that’s mom’s history, their different.”
My school experiences helped me to deal with the conflicts between my parents. I began to view them as having experienced history from different points of view and instead of insisting they stop, and becoming upset, I moved to the place of simply accepting their reality as their point of view. I was therein relieved of the classic curse in which children of divorce are told different stories by both parents, and often are expected to take sides of one parent over the other. These children often become conflicted and confused. This identity confusion often results in low self esteem.
One of the most important things we work on is conflict resolution. Our approach uses many tools, but perhaps the most important is the ‘MY REALITY IS…’ TOOL. It’s important to note the experts tell us it’s not the number of conflicts in a relationship that count, but how we handle them. The ‘My Reality’ tool allows us to be successful in the art of conflict.
One of the cornerstones of our work at the Stepfamily Foundation is that of honoring differences: our My Reality Is Tool….Here’s how I work; I relate my multiple points of view history story, and then I proceed to draw two boxes—one with a big A and the other with a big B. I explain that especially in America, it is acceptable to try to pull one the other into your point of view. “You’re wrong, this is the way it is…”

What we do is eliminate the word YOU, and substitute the word “I”. I see, hear, and feel… my reality is… e.g. I don’t feel important when your children arrive (hers). My reality is Mary did say hello to you (his). And, we might just leave it at that.
It’s important to know that each of us is programmed differently, and that difference often becomes more diverse and solidified as we grow into maturity. A thinks we had to go to Vietnam, while B thinks we never should have been there. A feels offended because B was late, and B feels misunderstood. A blames B for not noticing a mistake in the report, while B blames A for having a lousy attitude. Each tries to pull the other into their dis-reality. Each argues their point of view. Some arguments can go on for days, even years.
By not allowing the couple to argue about what happened, we teach them how to respect the other partner’s point of view. Only God knows what really happened, and she’s not talking! Our job is to create one new system based on reconciling the differences both bring to the partnership. This to me is the epitome of marital therapy. It does not individuate, rather it creates a new team and a new joint way of doing things based on respecting each other and each others points of view. This is one of the tools use in the process of good mediation. We use this with individual as well as corporate dispute resolution.
According to William Doherty PHD, “much of marital therapy is based on the individual and what is good for that individual; as opposed to making a partnership function.” According to research, most marital therapists have a 2 out of 3 failure rate. Our research indicates we have an 84% success rate. We believe that our emphasis on the teaching of respecting each others reality, or view of living is a substantial factor in our high success rate. The belief of most therapists is that the answer is in the client, and the client can be worked with to find the answer within them. We believe this is not true; especially in step relationships.
Regarding our high success rate, it is important to note our counseling is highly directive. We discourage clients from blaming, and encourage them explain to their partner that this is just their point of view. We encourage a dialogue, sometimes without resolution. When the issue must be decided and the parties cannot resolve it, I tell them that I will make the decision for them. Therefore we go from mediating to arbitration. And, I tell them this is how I work.

The Statistics are Staggering: The Impact of Divorce in Society

The Statistics are Staggering:

Stepfamilies are not addressed, assessed and counted---further catapulting those who live in and lead our society into the quagmire of ignorance. The numbers tell the story: The US Bureau of Census relates:

* 1300 new stepfamilies are forming every day.
* Over 50% of US families are remarried or re-coupled.
* The average marriage in America lasts only seven years.
* One out of two marriages ends in divorce.
* 75% remarry
* 66% of those living together or remarried break up, when children are involved.
* 80% of remarried, or re-coupled, partners with children both have careers.
* 50% of the 60 million children under the age of 13 are currently living with one biological parent and that parent's current partner.
* The 1990 US Census stated there will be more stepfamilies than original families by the year 2000
* The 2000 US Census did not mention stepfamilies. According to the Stepfamily Foundation's estimates more than 50% of divorced fathers children visit their children. These children do not legally "reside" with their fathers. So, neither government nor academic research include these fathers and their children as stepfamilies. They are completely ignored and uncounted. Thus, boosting the numbers to well over 50% of US families. o 2 out 3 marriages under taking place under 30 years of age end in divorce.(US Census)
* 75% complain of "not having access to resources as a stepfamily," according to a recent Stepfamily Foundation survey of 2000 web questionnaires.
* It is generally considered by researchers that couples today have a deficit of skills with which to make partnerships last. Explanations abound.
* 80% of married women have careers and women are less dependent on the support of the male partner.
* Over 80% of women who enter into stepfamilies are career women. These women do not have to endure the unexpected rigors of remarriage.
* Men who choose to end a marriage also know that career women cost less to divorce.
* A Boston University psychologist researcher reported that of the career women who had married men with children over 75% said that, "if they had do it again they would NOT marry a man with children."
* 50% of all women, not just mothers, are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship, when we include living-together families in our definition of the stepfamily." states Professor of Sociology Larry L. Bumpass of the University of Wisconsin.

What does this all mean?

It means that most children today live in step relationships, of which two out of three are predicted to fail. This family failure causes the child to lack the crucial support that enables him to thrive or even survive society's cultural, educational, and work systems.

With more than 1 million children yearly experiencing the divorce of their parents, the futures of these youngsters are of great concern. Divorcing parents are confused by conflicting experts. Their research and studies find different issues about what to expect for their children. The most prominent expert is Judith Wallerstein. Her results closely
coincide with our research since 1976. Wallerstein is a psychologist and author of SECOND CHANCES,1989, Tickor &Fields, NY, NY and THE UNEXPECTED LEGACY OF DIVORCE: A 25-Year Landmark Study, 2000, Hyperion, NY, NY which followed 93 now-adult children for about 25 years on the affects from their parent's divorce.

Wallerstein reports that:

* Only 45 percent of children "do well" after divorce.
* 41% are doing poorly, worried, underachieving, deprecating, and often angry."
* Fifty percent of the women and 30 percent of the men were still intensely angry with their former spouses.
* "Most felt the lack of a template, a working model, for a loving relationship between a man and a woman."
* Divorced parents provide less time, less discipline, and are less sensitive to the children as they are caught up in their own divorce and its aftermath.
* Many parents are unable to separate their needs from the children's needs and often share too much of their personal life with their children, placing the children in a precarious emotional state, vulnerable to grandiosity or to depression within what is left of their families.
* The majority of parents of divorce are chronically disorganized and unable to parent effectively.
* As diminished parenting continues, it permanently disrupts the child's once normal emotional growth and functioning.

The good news, according to the study:

* "The children of divorce tended to do well if mothers and father, regardless of remarriage, resumed parenting roles, putting differences aside, and allowing the children continuing relationships with both parents.
* Only a few children had these advantages."

On the other hand:
E. Mavis Hetherington, a developmental psychologist, has researched 1,400 families, some for three decades, involving about 2,500 children. While some of her findings in For Better or for Worse, Divorce Reconsidered are disturbing, she believes the negative effects of divorce are exaggerated while the positive effects are ignored. She finds:

1. Most children are doing reasonably well within two years of the divorce.
2. About 25% of youths from divorced families have serious social or emotional problems; 10% from intact families do.
3. Most young adults from divorce are establishing careers, creating intimate relationships and building meaningful lives.
4. Young women do better than young men, often becoming more competent than if they had stayed in unhappy family situations; some thrive.
5. Seventy percent of adult children of divorce say divorce is an acceptable solution to an unhappy marriage, even with children; 40% from non-divorced families agree.

The 2004 researcher with bad news for divorcing parents is Elizabeth Marquardt, a scholar with the Institute for American Values, a think tank on family issues. Her study, shows children often grow up torn between two households. Growing bodies of research are emerging on at least two sides of the debate on the effects of divorce. Marquardt is among those who believe that even under the best of circumstances, children often suffer emotional scars that last a lifetime and have trouble with their own intimate relationships as adults.

Marquardt hates the term "the good divorce." "Just because parents don't continue to argue doesn't mean the kids do well," she says. The good divorce, Marquardt says, is an "adult-centered vision. ...No matter what the level of conflict, a divided family often requires children to confront a whole set of challenges that children in married-parent, intact families do not have to face."

Her major conclusion is that children whose parents divorce must go from living in one world that seemed safe to going back and forth between two homes that often feel like "polar opposites." The kids must do what their parents had always done for them: develop a clear view of what to think, what to believe and how to behave, especially in the moral and spiritual realms. "It becomes the child's job to synthesize these two worlds."

Marquardt conducted a national survey of 1,500 young adults, now 18 to 35. About half are from divorced families and half from intact families. Those from divorced families were younger than 14 when the split occurred. She also interviewed 71 young adults to probe their "inner feelings." She says children of divorced parents are more apt than those living in intact families to feel divided between two homes with different values. They are asked to keep secrets about the different households. They are left without clear guidance on what is right and what is wrong, turning instead to friends and siblings. And they are "more apt to struggle with loss, isolation, loneliness and suffering."

Marquardt has the support of psychologist Judith Wallerstein, whose controversial Second Chances in 1989 started a firestorm of debate. Wallerstein found that many adult children had never gotten over the often "cataclysmic" changes divorce brings throughout a child's lifetime. While divorce is seen as a second chance at happiness for a parent, a child does not see it that way.

Wallerstein applauds Marquardt. "Her observations are right on target," Wallerstein says. "These children have a sense of living in two different worlds. They grow up with a difficulty in feeling whole."